An Artist's Journey
About 13 years ago, I found myself at a crossroads in life. I was working as a program evaluation and research analyst for the San Francisco school district, a job that brought zero joy into my life. From the time I could remember, my dream was to live in Hollywood and make films. I had gone to film school, but filmmaking was expensive, and I dropped out after two years. Instead, I studied psychology and then went on to earn my Master's. I had no idea how to make my dreams come true so at some point I just gave up and moved in more practical directions. At 32 years old, I had already been married and divorced. I was alone and hated my job. My life could not have felt more further away from my dreams I had as a kid.
Then one day, I reached a threshold of misery. I thought to myself, "if I'm still sitting here at this desk in 5 years dreaming of a life that feels imposible to live, than I would rather just die. What's the point?" Suddenly, the security of my high paying "safe" job, felt more like a death sentence than stability. Something had to be done. I had no choice but to completely surrender to my dreams and jump into the unknown.
I made a plan: save enough money so that I could support myself for at least a year, quit my job, move to Los Angeles, volunteer at a film production company, then see what happens next. The very thought of knowing I had the power to make a move in a new direction gave me a whole new lease on life.
Within a year, I moved to Santa Monica by myself and started a new life. I volunteered at small production company where I read scripts and wrote coverage. While there I met someone who was a former agent at Creative Artist Agency, the biggest and most powerful agency in Hollywood. He helped get me an interview with one of the most ruthless "gatekeepers" around, the CAA human resource director. Most of the assistants that worked at CAA were very young Ivy Leaguers and/or Hollywood elite with parents in the business. I was neither, although I did have a Master's Degree and several years of professional work experience under my belt. I was hired! My foot was in the door, and not just any door...the pearly gates of A-list Hollywood. Even though my new salarly was about $6.75 an hour compared to the almost $90 grand a year I was making before, I didn't care. I was happy to be on a new path.
While there I made incredible contacts, developed relationships, and learned the in's and out's of the business of filmmaking. It was the hardest, most painful, unrelenting job I have ever had. I was literarly "swimming with sharks." After two years of paying my dues, I went on to work as a writer's assistant to two of the most well respected and talented show runners in the business. I was represented by the Gersh Agency, and had my own literary manager. Clearly, diving into the unknown was paying off.
During this time, I toyed on and off with the idea of directing a short film that I had written. The script had began as a one act play and was essentially my "calling card" for getting me meetings around town. I had never directed anything outside of a 3 minute short I once did while at Columbia College film school in Chicago. I had no idea where I supposed to get the money make the short or if I had the capacity to direct such a thing. The idea stewed within me for sometime. Finally, I decided to just JUMP and ask questions later.
With the help of my manager at the time, I got an amazing cast of actors. Since I was making about $500 dollars a week after taxes, I still had no money, and it was 2005, so I pretty much invented crowd-funding before it existed. I decided to send out self-addressed stamped envelopes along with a letter begging for money to all my family and friends. I raised about $3000 and shot my film. Most everybody who worked on it volunteered their time. I pirated some Avid software, taught myself how to edit and made ONE NIGHT STAND which had it's premier at the Los Angeles International Shorts Festival in 2007. Fours years after leaving my deadend job in San Francisco, I was officially living my dreams. But, ironically, just as I was about to get staffed on a show for NBC, there was a writer's strike and I lost my job. And just like that, everything I had worked so hard for just disappeared.
Not surprisingly, it was at this time that something more profound was transpiring in my life. I was in the throws of what can best be called a Spiritual Awakening. I know it this sounds hippie frou frou, and perhaps it is, but I highly recommend it nontheless! Even though I had been actively living "the law of attraction" and manifesting amazing things in my life, I had never heard of terms like "vibration," "energy," or "manifestation." The movie THE SECRET had just come out and a friend had introduced me to someone called "Abraham-Hicks." I was always one to question the meaning of life, God, and existence and loosing my job sent me DEEP into myself and the exploration of such ideas. I discovered electronic music, the power of dance, and I started going to Burningman. I learned about mediation and went down the rabbit hole as far as I could go.
I abandoned everything "Hollywood" and channeled all of my energy into understanding the nature of Consciousness. I learned about the power of thoughts and emotions and became aware of my higher self in the most profound ways. I learned that I was absolutely supported and loved by creation and that my dreams were SUPPOSED to come true. I came to know myself as the conscious and awake creator of my own reality. I learned about unconditional love, non-physical energy, and the power of Univeral Forces which were always conspiring in my favor. I ate psilocbin mushrooms, dropped acid, smoked DMT and drank ayahuasca and felt my connection to the Cosmos with undeniable clarity. I asked the Univeral Intelligence to share with me the blueprints for creation and was told to study sacred geometry and mathematics. I was told that the irrational ratio for PI was incorrect and discovered the constant whole number solution to the PI RATIO (509:160) and wrote the Uni "PHI"ed Field equation. I shared my research and finding at science conferences around the world and even got to take a trip to the pyramids in Giza. For the most part, no one really understood what I was talking about. Science is and was still rooted in the paradigm that reality is "physical" rather than a subjective vibrational interpretation, so no one was really asking the questions to which I had found the answers. But I didn't really care. I felt in direct communication with Infinite Intelligence.
That said, I eventually reached a point of completion in my spiritual studies. My journey into the physics of Consciousness spanned about 5 years and left me feeling deeply connected a to higher power but also completely on the "outside" of Hollywood yet again. Even with all of my new found "tools of transformation" and feelings of self empowerment, I felt stuck. I asked myself, "If you knew that you were completely limitless and fully supported by the Universe to create any life you wanted, what would you choose?" I no longer had an easy answer to that question. I was now pushing 40, single for the last 10 years, no children, no career...what exactly had I actually accomplished in my life?
I found myself reaching a new threshold. I was tired of struggling to pay the bills and longed to feel passionate, creative, excited and collaborative with others, but instead I felt isolated, trapped, and stuck. Once again, I wanted things that I didn't know how to get and I felt like I wanted to die.
I called my best friend and mentor and basically had a breakdown. "I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like I've wasted so much time." Like an angel of light, she reminded me that self-exploration, healing and awakening into one's true power is an AMAZING accomplishment and far from a waste. I realized that she was right. It was time to shift my vibration! Rather than beat myself up, I began patting myself on the back and immediately felt better. So what if didn't have all those things in life that "society" counted as markers of success? I was successful in my own right. I was happy. At peace. Connected. I had an amazing family of friends and loved ones. I was doing okay!
It was time to put into action everything I had learned about the art of conscious creation. I formulated a new plan...shifting my energy back into a state of empowerment. I decided to get a roommate, lower my bills, save some money, immerse myself in the art of screenwriting, take a class, start a writing group, surround myself with other writers, and write something that shared a message of love and something I could feasibly direct myself...then see what happens.
I "hired" myself to write 5 pages a day and at the end of the day I payed myself in compliments. By the end of that month, on February 14th, Valentine's Day, I typed the words FADE OUT...THE END. I called the script THE SHICKLES.
